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Sep. 22nd, 2011

blueeyes

I feel ill.

I feel numb, I feel sick, I feel angry, and I feel completely gone.

I think I will chalk this up to the Welbutrine, but frankly these pills are doing enough good to kind of just deal with the emotional absence. Isnt it lovely how something you take to try and keep your moods stable or at least more sane can screw up other aspects of your emotions.
Any way. I am enjoying the weight loss, I am enjoying the fact that I have quit smoking, I am enjoying that I am not a neurotic, paranoid mess with constant panic attacks. So I will cope with feeling dumb and not being able to remember how people feel in my life.

Plus I can't be all that numb if all I really want to do is send someone a giant "Fuck you".
I hate that whole hindsight is 20-20 thing when you realize you wasted a lot of time and energy on something that was not only not helping you it was actively hurting you.I was blind to how I was being treated like shit, mostly because it wasnt physical, and now I am fucking angry. You shouldnt be afraid to talk to someone you are with, you shouldnt feel like you are a burden to someone who when asked huffs "of course I like you" ....Being with someone should never be a burden like that, the other person is there because they make you happy, not just because "well maybe it'll be better later"

The person you are with shouldnt give you panic attacks.
Or hives.

But one thing I did learn is that I will do what it takes to make something I want to happen work, but yeah. You cant force intimacy.The brat in me didnt like figuring that out.
I like to get what I want.

So to sum it all up, I feel like I am living in a cloud, I am pissed as hell at the petty martyr, and uh, wellbutrine, Hell of a drug.

Apr. 27th, 2011

blueeyes

albino baby deer

So I had a strange dream last night, well actually I have had a lot lately but this one kind of shone. So I am at my grandmothers house, where most of my dreams take place and there is a storm coming so I gather the like 30 people who are staying there so we can leave but then I have to run out back to the infirmary to gather a child and an animal that had come in because the were beaten or hit by a car or something and had looked it too in the begining of the dream but now were bot healing up nicely minus dark bloodshot eyes and they were both albino. I scoop up the animal which was a fawn in a diaper (probably a throw back to just getting diapers for my dog) and send someone to get the little kid, I read that dreaming of albinos is a good omen but not if you are afraid of them. I wasn't afraid that they were albino I was horrified by their initial injuries but then tried to save them... I wonder where it all came from....

Apr. 9th, 2011

I forgot that feeling, that breaking the scene feeling, the one that cuts the fat.

http://bonnaroo.sonicbids.com/BandDetails.aspx?b=27199&bn=The+Extraordinaires&src=AddThis&SMT=yes

so we will start with some promotion for a band I kind of am in love with. Click the link, send em to Bonnaroo (regardless if you like bonnaroo, because whether it is good or bad it will help them break out onto the scene on a bigger scale and that is good.) and listen to their song. They are also on facebook and myspace and youtube and all that good stuff, check them out enjoy.

And now to the meat of it.

So I finally, after voting for that songs hours ago, press play and get one of those emotional throw backs to last year when I first started back into Charlottesville when I was throwing myself headfirst into god awful habits from Richmond solely because they were familiar and kept me warm at night. I did this while completely ignoring the fact that these habits almost killed me in quite literal ways. But besides these things this album and Amanda Palmer's "Who Killed Amanda Palmer" were there for my transition, the one I had when I realized "SUPRISE It is finally time to grow the FUCK up and regain your sanity." It only took me 4 years but damn it, it happened. The CD is now just a warm rush of a chaotic summer, of learning that hating your significant other is not a good thing, regardless of the presents, and that I never have to date a POS ever again if I dont want to. A summer where I almost ruined my car but I skated like mad, a summer where I spent my nights coraling Derby girls, a summer with ice scream and patios and mild vengeance.

Why does last summer feel like a million years ago? and why do I already feel 5 years older?

Mar. 15th, 2011

blueeyes

California days 2 & 3

There is little to tell in the story format but a lot was done so lists you get. any questions feel free

Day two:
amazing breakfast
crissont the size of a dinner plate with fresh avocados
pismo beach
wierd crab things
swings
hanging with cousin
amazing home cooked tri tip steak with uncle
cartoons

Day Three:
French toast breakfast at the " Village Cafe " ( this is funny if you live in richmond,)
200 miles on my uncles bike in the mildly cloudy warm day up the central coast
( btw saint luis obispo is central coast for those who asked and i didnt know or said southern )
2.5 hours at the winchester mansion ( way awesome )
200 miles back stopping for yummy open faced roast beef sandwhich.
cartoons and conan
now desperate sleeeep

Mar. 13th, 2011

blueeyes

Mmm California

So yesterday I left bright and early for California
and when I say bright and early I dont even mean bright because it was 5 am and the sun wasnt going to be out for quite a while yet. But if I wanted to get to San Louis Obispo I had the leave then. So I get on my plane no problems, I check my bag, I wedge myself into my little sleep position and I cover myself in my pea coat, was lovely. Until I woke up right before descent and I have the worst airsickness I have ever had, (though I have never been airsick before so it wasnt hard) and I manage to make it into my sick sack and am feeling much better and kind of proud that I made it into the bag and didnt make a huge mess and then the flight attendant comes over to try and talk to me about where I am going ... the proud feeling is immediatly embarrasment and I am attempting to make small talk with a bag full of puke in my hands. This is not good, I am trying to decide how to dispose of said bag and end said conversation when I look down and realize it is leaking all over my peacoat. Great. So I ask for some club soda and napkins and perform as much damage control as possible before getting off the plane and carrying around the smelliest jacket from flight to flight ... no good :( also it was my only blanket source I was pretty close to tears, but then I remembered HEY I am going to CALIFORNIA! so yeah I was only grumpy for a bit , but smelly a little longer :X .
So the flight from Charlotte to Pheonix was like a mini twilight zone, I have no clue how long I was actually on that plane with the time zone switch and all and it didnt help I slept most of the flight but the guy next to me kept my waking moment entertaing. Apparently the guy next to me and the two directly across the isle had decided to drink the trip away. Guy next to me ended up with at least 7 bottles before all was said and done and these people ended up geeking out over video games, display severly different ideas on who was punk music and told the girl 10 years thier senior that she was wearing marilyn manson shirts in kindergarden. It was interesting and then they broke the jet bridge. Luckily we were already 20 mins early and no connections were harmed but I got to play buckle the seat belt with a little girl named sparrow and her doll covred in ink pen who was exactly as tall as her. But this was after she crawled into the seat next to me face first into my puky jacket :(
When finally off in Pheonix, which by the way is VERY flat, I went straight across the entire terminal to my gate, chipper and cheerful, just got off the phone with my uncle to remind him, "Hey I will be there in a couple hours! " and as soon as I get to the counter I hear the dreadful words "Thank you for being a volenteer, here is your 300 dollar vaucher and your new gate is right down there." Nonononononoooo. :( the next flight directly to SBP isnt until 9 something, it is 11 am at this point. Luckily I called my uncle and switched myself to Santa Barbara and landed at the same time I was supposed to.
Upon landing I checked to make sure my bag was waiting for me in SBP and got in the car with my cousin Teddy, we drove along the highway which proved to be absolutly stunning and full of color and flowers and far away hill thingies that I think they beleive are mountains... not the case but cool looking none the less. We stopped at a hole in the wall joint and got chilli dogs and onion rings and the like and set off to pick up my bags. Upon arrival no one is at the airport, we have both a giftshop girl AND a TSA agent tell us to go check in the back for the bag/ counter agent and I respond with " I wont get arrested or anything will I ?" ( This is an airport you know, you dont just go waltzing around.) and they respond with "No, but dont tell them I told you you could go back there." Fun. But we went back there and no one was present except another TSA agent who knocked on a door and told us to come back at 8 30 when anyone would be back, there is noone present at the SBP airport from 130- 830 on sundays, not comforting.
After this I meet the cousins girlfriend, I was my jacket, I check my facebook, etc and then my uncle Ted comes home (and yes were are not only dealing with a junior but a III, Theodore is quite the family name) we hang out for a bit and tells me how much I look like my aunt Elaine which I have not heard in years, and we talk to my mom about her trip in Rome and we then head out for sushi. I love sushi and I dont think I have ever had SO much sushi in one sitting. Was lovely. After sushi we went and did a tour of the Madonna Inn while killing time to get my bag, it was amazing. It was this lovely mesh of vintage wonderland. I didnt get to see the rooms in person but they had pictures of all of the themed ones and they were amazing, they had an automatic waterfall urinal in the mens room, there were genuine rock walls with real fossils poking out in places with hand carved railings and whimsical metal work. I died and went to kitchy vintage heaven. everything was bright colored and happy. Oh and they have an infinity pool and a waterfall outside that surges on the hour. http://www.madonnainn.com/ that is the website but I deffinitly suggest googleing "madonna inn rooms" and looking at the pictures they are phenominal. http://www.madonnainn.com/features.php thats the official websites pictures of the rooms.
So after my tour and some pictures we went and got my bag, we got back to the house chatted and then I finally went to sleep almost 20 hours after my 5 am boarding.
was lovely :) Now on to day 2 <3

Feb. 18th, 2011

blueeyes

eek goals

So I think I finally broke the slump and am now onto goals.
Also I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning ( the day my lovley lady time starts) and have gained like 6 lbs...

Might be due to nature, might also be due to me eating nothing but fried shit and drinking and sleeping and being sedentary all the time... :/

so to retaliate I have begun little work outs and diet changes while working ... I figure if i keep these up while working i can slack on the free time considering how little of it i actually have...

ALSO I really am beginning to feel quite guilty about being gone all the time.. I miss my family, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my derby girls and I miss everything that is happening .. I have a feeling when the warm sets in things will get better PLUS I just got bumped up two slots in seniority at work which makes me no longer the company bitch! woo!

so speaking of being the bitch, I have always been the one to clean up messes and take care of problems, not to bitch and complain or ask questions, just if I see a mess I clean it up or fix it or whatever needs to be done and the other day I had a set of puking twin infants destroy the back two rows of my plane on landing. I immediately went into the "shit how am I going to clean this with out water" mind set and apparently I don't even have to look at it , we have a cleaning crew! tell me that is not amazing.

So on this lovely day I wish everyone luck in their endeavors and I am quite hopeful on mine :)

Dec. 27th, 2010

blueeyes

aw my friends miss me.

Chet- i always say
"hey, we should hangout. what are you up to?"
and you always go
"hey, i'm busy... re-alphabetizing my recipe collection. can't tonight"
and then i'm like
"oh, well that sounds like you can finish that later. how about we do something?"
and you retort
"oh, um... it really can't wait. besides, i'm also... washing my hair. it takes forever to dry. another time, maybe"
and then i go
:(

me- chet I am a flight attendant, with derby practice, and a circus to run
I dont even have time to alphabetize my recipe collection.

Dec. 23rd, 2010

blueeyes

Because I feel like venting. and rambling and ... etc.

I should probably preface this with yes I am a chick, and potentially yes some of these things might be written out of pure hormonal rage.

or not.

1. I find you completely trashy, and I have even before I found out that you had any impact on my life. People of this caliber piss me off and make me want to shake some class into them . It is one thing to be gritty and a total other thing all together to glorify bad tattoos, slimy living, and just being a general idiot. Being punk is not the same as glorifying shit. Trust me I have seen it. Punk is good, maybe not for everyone but you know what? Shit is shit and will always be shit. End of story.

Unfortunately that rant encompasses a good handful of people. Sorry.

2. Why the hell is it every time I see an engagement ring it is attached to a morbidly obese heinous bitchy woman?

-wait. I think I actually know the answer to this one, it is because they knew from an early point that they would have a trouble mating up so they put all their efforts into finding someone to bestow them a rock. Good for them I guess... Disclaimer: I am not looking for a rock, not for at LEAST another 3 years. I just see a lot of bling on my flights attached to surprising women.

3. NO I have NOT joined the mile high club. Not with you, not with anyone. Have you seen the bathrooms in the planes I fly?! Smaller than a closet and have a very distinct smell, I don't care how far off the ground I am, not in those damn bathrooms and chances are quite high not with you.


Enough of the bitching I have lists to write and plans to make, it is that time of year again where you swear things to yourself that never come true. You still smoke and you still haven't lost those 15 lbs. Sorry.

This week (since everyone is gone/ busy)
-Clean room
-Repack crew bags
-finish doll hair
-make some jewelry
-finish the 3 books currently in process
-Pay bills
-Buy lunch box
-Buy provision for lunch box

New Year
- Quit Smoking
- Lose Lbs

Nov. 23rd, 2010

blueeyes

I adore my friends,,, a lot.

Things I Like About Tori
by ****** *********,*******.
NSFW
I like the way tori gets lost in nostalgia sometimes when she's drinking.
I like the look tori gets when she's thinking about being devious, even though she's still a good girl.
I like getting mexican food with Tori because her spanish accent is extremely attractive, and she bursts into it uncontrollably.
I like the way tori says the word "perfect" with a brief, almost non-existant pause in the middle. Though she's usually talking about someone else, if i close my eyes, it's about me.
I like tori's inexplainable need to keep trinkets from forever ago.
I think the world is rich for having her in it.
I like tori's amazing ability to command everyone's attention when she walks into a room.
I like that she always seems to be looking at me at the very moment that I catch myself staring at her.
I like lots of things.

Oct. 27th, 2010

blueeyes

I Refuse..

I refuse to not experience life.
I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to be by myself.
I refuse to miss out on all my present opportunities.
I refuse to dote, bend, and change for someone because it is what "you are supposed to do".
I refuse to stand still.

I vow to live life to the fullest.
I vow to do what makes me happy, healthy, and move forward in life.
I vow to continue to build friendships, alliances, and networks.
I vow to create as much as humanly possible for my community, friends, and family.
I vow to take as many people with me as I can.

Love is so much more than other people.
Life is for living.
Experience is the goal.

Who the hell wants to deny themselves a full life?

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